you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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