nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
