Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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