I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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