I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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