I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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