What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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