I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
