but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
