youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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