Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
