Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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