Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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