I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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