even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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