I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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