What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
