the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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