Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
