remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
