Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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