What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
