Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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