It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
