I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
