"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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