TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
