I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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