I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
