So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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