:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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