dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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