i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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