Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
