remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
