Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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