Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
