Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
