i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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