I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
