It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
