I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
