i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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