Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
