Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
