Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
