I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize