and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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