woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize