So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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