I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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