My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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