i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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