when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize