they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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