pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
