Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
