If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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