i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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