I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
