shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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