You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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