You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
