Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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