highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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