Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
