She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
