im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
