I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
